CVGC 2018 almost didn’t happen for me. I had a newborn at home and in the days leading up to CVGC he gave me a stomach flu. I was in bad shape, lying in bed thinking of how embarrassing it would be if I didn’t show up because of a lousy flu. So, against all advice from many doctors, lawyers, men of the cloth, and my waifu Sindy I forced my self to pack a bag and head down to Houston to try my hand at glory. The entire way to Houston I kept having waves of unbelievable nausea where I questioned my motives and rethought my actions. I know now and knew then deep down that this was a test, a test of my CVGC mettle. I pulled up to the house and took a long drink of Pepto, I glanced at my weary face in the rear-view mirror and thought “You look fucking cool as shit, let’s do this”.
I kicked the front door in off it’s hinges and screamed out an ancient Kakariko battle cry “HEY THERE! LISTEN!” as the entire room turned quickly in surprise to see the warrior before them. Their surprise soon turned to fear when they saw the sickly determined look in my eyes, a look of lustful desire, a look of focused arrogance, a look of unrelenting and unremorseful determination. Silence filled the room. The only sound being that of the natural harmonic resonance of my being humming vividly around me, softly echoing off the bodies of every mere mortal in proximity. Women wept while biting their lips out of a hateful and fearful attraction to the raw power before them, the men refused to make eye contact fearful of me considering it a challenge not unlike that of a silver back gorilla. Slowly the room regained their composure and as it did, I sat on the ground, crossed my legs, closed my eyes, and levitated 4 feet into thin air. I floated through the kitchen grabbing a Mexican Coke on the way back to the game room where I fell into a deep and powerful gameitation.
The preparation was complete and I was approaching maximum power levels. My subtle humming had transformed into a full blown visible aura of beautiful shades of blue and gold and my levitation had subsided (because I told it to not because I couldn’t maintain it) and I knew at that moment that others had noticed I had reached Nirvana, I didn’t mind I knew they were just in awe of a supernatural being. David had mentioned something about “an unfair advantage by being immortal” and I have to admit in any other contest that may have been a good point but in this particular situation my immortality wouldn’t effect my performance in any positive way with the exception that if I lost I could always just say “Yeah? Well at least I’m never going to die!”.
Between rounds of people bringing me offerings of good will and lavish gifts I enjoyed several pints of very delicious homemade beers and smoked meats of different varieties. I found myself on the patio discussing how forgiving and righteous of a deity that I had become with several nervous looking party goers I had cornered in an unhinged “explanation” of why 300 French Legionaries were purposely marooned on a small volcanic Island 500 miles from the next volcanic island. The party goers must have had some bad cheese or something because some of them were crying, probably out of how gracious of a supreme being that I was.
David and Michael appeared on the balcony and announced the start of the tournament and I nodded approvingly as David nervously looked my way for confirmation. A wave of relief washed over the house and the games had begun. We could go into how the tournament went and how much tequila was drank by whoever but in the end it always comes down to the same thing. A 2AM head to head battle for the rupee. At the end of the night Patrick was the unlucky soul who had lasted the longest, we matched wits with Mario All Stars and while Patrick put up a good fight (for a mortal) he ultimately was defeated when I pressed “Q” and unleashed my ultimate: Win CVGC.
David awarded us 1st and 2nd places respectively and Patrick and I shook hands, Patrick’s hand was not gloved so he received 2nd degree burns from my palms, this was a symptom of touching a supreme being, a “5th Element” if you will. As the party faded and people started to depart, I noticed something interesting, I was losing power. My flesh became normal like a mortal’s flesh, warm, spongey, and useless. My levitation wasn’t working right, I couldn’t get more than 6 inches off the ground, something wasn’t right. My aura turned back into a hum and then it went away entirely all in the course of 10 minutes. Something wasn’t right. My voice no longer reverberated in the hearts of the “normal people” and the beer was starting to catch up to me. As I retired upstairs for a god like slumber I turned ill, this wasn’t right. Gods don’t get ill, they just don’t. As I washed the sweat from my face, I saw myself in the mirror and thought to myself “It’s the rupee…”.
David prepared. David always prepares. He knew I would pick the blue rupee if (when) I won. He planned this, he knew. The one thing I didn’t figure out and still haven’t is how David did it. What did he add to the trophy to drain my power? David wanted the odds evened for everyone else, so he HAD to take me down, and for a mortal it was a pretty good trick. The next morning, I came downstairs to David making eggs in his natural element. He asked me in a sarcastic tone “How was your night?” while staring me dead in the eyes. I hate to admit this, but I was the one who broke eye contact and looked down at the floor. David handed me a mug of coffee and just continued cooking his eggs. We both sat in silence until I finally broke the tension by asking a one-word question. ”How?”. David chuckled softly to himself while shaking his head exacerbated with a long sigh attached. He stopped his actions and just looked forward and without saying a word he just went back to cooking.
As I write this I stare at my rupee and I wonder how he did it. Did he ensure that I would never again win a CVGC? Were the cries of the competitors so loud and often that he had to take me out for the good of the tournament? These are questions I will most likely never know. Maybe I don’t want to know. I do know that as I was leaving the house that day I glanced back for a final goodbye shout and I saw very subtle, barely visible, glow around David. I thought I was seeing things and when I did my double take it was gone. David gave me a slight grin as I lingered on my double take for a few seconds. I closed the door and shook my head to clear my mind and eyes of what I thought I just saw. I sat in my driver’s seat and looked at my face in the rear-view mirror, I looked like shit. Then it suddenly all made sense and made no sense at the same time.
David used to win all the time, now he doesn’t play. He wants to play at CVGCX but we know he can’t lose. David devised a plan (with Michael’s help) to sap my power from me via the 1st place trophy, there is no other explanation. I warn the rest of you as a mortal once again.
Do not underestimate him.
I’ll see you at CVGCX.